Sorry for the Delay

I know it has been a couple of months since I have last blogged. I wish I could say that there is some good news but there is still no news.

To take a step back before getting into the no news, I did try a different route in the search. I googled agencies that searched for families and came up with some prospects. I had picked out one particular group and called them up to get some information from them. Basically they told me how much it would cost me (about $1200) for them to search for my biological family and it could take up to a year for the search. In the search any information they find would be given to me and to include a family tree of all relatives they could find. At first it sounded like a good idea and I even started the process but after more thought I cancelled it due to the fact that it was a lot of money and this group was based out of Florida. I would never be able to talk to someone face to face at the group and it all seemed to good to be true.

Now I am searching for a group more local where I can feel more comfortable dealing with this sensitive search in person.

I have tried to get in touch with the state to see how their search is going and I still have not heard back from them. My hopes are starting to dwindle but I am not going to give up! Thank you all for your support because it seems I am going to need it :)

Day 30 - No News.

No news. I have not heard anything. It concerns and worries me. There are so many possibilities why there has been no contact these last 22 days. So many thoughts are running thru my mind right now, but mostly I am trying to find strength. I knew that by beginning this journey there were going to be rough spots and ultimately a bad outcome, but I am trying to stay positive.

HOPEfully I get some news soon.

Day Eight - First Official Letter

Today I received my first official letter from the Texas Department of State Health Services. It pretty much stated, in an official capacity, where the states stands at the moment with my file. One part of the letter that I enjoyed reading was this, "We found that your birth mother completed some documents in 1989 requesting contact should any of the children she placed for adoption request reunification services. We are in the process of contacting her to determine her continued interest. Within the next few weeks, we hope to hear from her and will let you know the next steps."

I am still reeling over the fact that she wanted to have the chance to meet me and my other sibling if we reached out to her. I know that this is just the beginning of a very long process but the fact that I already feel a small connection means the world to me.

I also emailed the woman in charge of my file, and she wrote back saying that she found the last known address for my birth mom and had already sent a letter to her. So she expects to her from her by next week!! I know that it is not a simple as that because she may have moved or worst case scenario is that she is not alive. No matter what the outcome is, I just feel as though I am one step closer to making a connection.

Also it is just not about my birth parents, but I have this whole other family out there, a brother and two sisters. I would love to know who they are and make that connection with them.

I remember once we moved back to San Antonio after my dad retired, that I could possibly run into them on the street and never know. I always assumed that my birth family lived in San Antonio because I was born there, but now knowing that I was born at Fort Sam Houston Army Base changed all my thoughts. I truly think my birth dad was in the military and they could of retired anywhere.

So many things to consider and so many things are possible. I am still praying for the miracle that they are alive and in good health, and more importantly open to meeting me. But as I keep reminding myself, everything is in God's hands.

Side note -

I know this is two posts in one day but I found this amazing song that I had to share with you all. Holly Williams is a new artist I found and I absolutely LOVE her voice. This song is suppose to be about a romantic love, but for some reason it seemed more appropriate for my blog. The lyrics just resonate with me. I highly recommend you checking out her album, I also love the songs, "Three Days in Bed" and "Without Jesus Here With Me".

Written by Holly Williams

Maybe I give up too easy, maybe I don't fight enough
Maybe my heart is afraid of falling in love
Maybe I'm too scared to find out what it feels like to hurt
Maybe I worry I'll land with my face in the dirt

If I don't try I won't know
These walls that surround me they're strong and they're tall
I could slip and fall with noone to catch me at all
And end up alone

Am honest heart tried to love me
But I had nothing to give
I just wanted to see how much I could get
We're all guilty of wanting the very thing we can't have
The more that we take the sooner that we crash

But if I don't try I won't know
These walls that surround me they're strong and they're tall
I could slip and fall with noone to catch me at all
And end up alone

Something's changing inside me, something here wants to break free
I thought love was a blind spot, I believe
I don't want to end up alone

Maybe I give up too easy
Maybe I don't fight enough
Maybe my heart is afraid of falling in love

Day Three - News

Yesterday I received some amazing news. About five to six months ago, I searched for the agency my adopted family had worked with. It was called Texas Cradle Society, and was being the operative word here, they are no longer in business. What the state of Texas has done is created a huge database where one submits his/her information and if the other party does so, they match you. There also is a small fee included, around $35, and the rest is a waiting game. I submitted my info and never looked back.

Since I had not heard anything, I decided to look into organizations that played more active roles in searching for birth families. Two days later after I had contacted these organizations, I got a phone call from the state of Texas. Apparently they are working on my file, and here goes the surprising news; my birth mom had contacted the TCS (Texas Cradle Society) 21 years ago interested in me. Words do not describe how it felt to hear that, to know that she did look back and wondered about me. But the news does not stop here. I had been aware that I had siblings, three in fact, a brother and two sisters, all older than me. So to my surprise, I found out yesterday that I was not the only one my birth family gave up for adoption. One of my older sisters was also put up for adoption through the same agency, just like me. How can I put into words to hear that life-altering moment. To know that I was never completely alone in this and that I have a sister out there who can relate to my situation?! Never in a million years did I even consider that I was not the only one. To know that I could have this possible connection with this one person.

Needless to say, yesterday was a very emotional day. The lady who I spoke with on the phone about my file, was helpful but she was also honest. She warned me that this would be a long process, and not to get my hopes up. She did say that my mom may not be alive and that when she did try to reconnect 21 years ago that she did not have a support system.

I will say though, that it was comforting to know that she did think about me, or should I say us since she gave up two children, and that she wanted a connection. It is also a comfort to know that I am not alone. In other words, that I have a sister out there who is just like me, in the regards of being put up for adoption.

The emotions though are a whole other thing to handle. I went from hope, to shock, to joy, then back to hope. I know I was warned to not get my hopes up, but in the end I can always pray for a miracle. And in the end it is in God's hands.

Day One- The search begins.

Today is my first day to actively begin my search for my birth family. So many emotions are involved in this, but this search has been something I need to do. I am not searching for my birth family because I grew up in a household that was bad, in fact the total opposite, I know my adopted family raised me in their best way possible. I knew I was loved every day, and that they would do anything they could do for me. I knew that my happiness came before theirs, and I do not regret them adopting me. They never kept my adoption a secret, if anything there were always open and honest with me about it. My parents shared all the information they had received, but since it was a closed adoption they did not have a lot to tell me.

What I do know is that I have three siblings older than me, and that my parents were very young when they had me, 24 and 26. With the knowledge that their are these people out there that have blood ties to me, pulls at me. I would like to meet my parents and my siblings. I would like to know them.

I know that the outcome could not be what I want, but in the end I have to try. I have to know I put myself out there and took that chance to meet my birth family.